notreallystars

Some people seem able to theme their posts, so that everything is roughly coherent. I do not have that skill, so instead just throw random pieces of information together to see what happens.

We went into town today to put down a deposit for our wedding cake and buy some cupcakes for testing. Unfortunately another customer bought the last chocolate cupcake, but vanilla with a jam centre was a great second best. R had the idea that we could get mini-figures of the Fellowship and have them sunk slightly into the icing (apart from Legolas). I really liked the idea and the person we spoke to who does the wedding cakes seemed excited by it too, so we might have that as a little nod to Tolkien at our not-really-themed wedding.

I bought some thigh-high socks from Snag Tights recently, on the idea that wearing really long socks would be a cheaper way of keeping myself a bit warmer than putting the heating on any more than it already is, and they're really soft and comfy. I wish I was comfortable with a more feminine gender presentation because they have inclusive sizing (up to UK 36) and the quality of their stuff seems consistently pretty high.

There was a mysterious third thing I was going to mention, but it's so mysterious that it's vanished from my mind entirely. Whatever it is, it'll wait.

Right, I am determined to start using DW again. I don't know why I've kept drifting away from it, because I really like it! As part of that, I'm changing my username. notreallyremus -> notreallystars. I've changed it on other sites because it reminds me of things that no longer spark joy.

I pre-ordered Sistersong the other day and it arrived in the post today despite it not being released until next week. I'm so excited to get started with it. Arthuriana retelling of a murder ballad featuring a trans guy? Sign me the fuck up.

I've started writing fanfic again. It'll probably be only one or two fics and then I'll stop again, but at least it will be something. I've stopped reading fic at all recently and I'm not sure why, but hopefully writing will help me get back into reading. I've never written HP next gen before and I'm not sure how it will go, but I'm enjoying starting it.

I don't know how I feel about writing HP fanfic either. A big part of me wants to distance myself from anything and everything related to JKR, but Harry Potter has been so important to me for so long that I really don't know how I'd go about that. Maybe I'll start putting old style disclaimers at the top of fics, only instead of saying that I don't own the world/characters I'll just talk about how shit she is.

Every now and then I remember that my boyfriend, when he was in his early twenties, was told by an eighteen year old that he had 'middle aged dad energy' and I laugh. Partly because it was ridiculous, and partly because I know what she meant.

Well, I'm back and I'm writing about Snape because why move on with my life? I saw bad takes on tumblr years ago that I want to talk about so...here goes.

Also I've returned to DW in the midst of a hypomanic episode so apologies if this is a bit weird/incoherent.

I recently saw someone argue that the Severus Snape we see in the films is substantially different to the Snape of the books. We don't see him being as cruel in the films, we don't see his bullying in the films, and we don't see the contempt he expresses when Dumbledore suggests that he has grown to care for Harry. We don't see as clearly that every action he takes that has helped Harry is an action that he justifies to himself as being either for Lily's sake, or to repay James for saving his life. We aren't encouraged to see him as selfish and cruel in the same way that I feel we are in the books. This being the case, I wonder how many of the people who insist that Snape is a good person after all came to HP through the films rather than the books.

My least favourite take on Snape's behaviour goes something like this: "Everyone says they support traumatised people until they behave in difficult ways. Snape was traumatised by his childhood and shouldn't be judged too harshly on his behaviour." To that I would like to say: bullshit. Adults are responsible for their actions. Trauma does fuck with you in difficult ways, absolutely, but you are responsible for the things you choose to do. When the thing you choose to do is bully children over whom you have considerable power, that cannot simply be discounted because ~trauma~. It does no one any favours to perpetuate this idea that people with trauma/mental health problems should not be held to account for actions that cause harm. Mental health issues can explain behaviour, but they cannot excuse bad behaviour. God, tumblr was toxic.

The idea that Snape is somehow redeemed by his love for Lily is also really disturbing. If you act in creepy ways because you love someone, your love for them shouldn't excuse and doesn't explain the creepiness. It almost seems as if the position is that, since Snape can feel love, he can't be all bad. But I don't think the position of the people who don't see Snape as a redeemed/good person is that he's entirely bad, I think it's that he's incredibly fucking complicated. Maybe I've just been lucky in the people I've interacted with. Maybe I'm similarly misrepresenting the position of most pro-Snape people. I'm not trying to, but goodness knows these things happen.

I think Snape is a fascinating ambiguous character. I also think he can be a good character without being a good person.

This brought to you by two recent experiences.

1. Someone from my Meeting who I often talk to afterwards and get along well with used the phrase "when I had my 40th birthday" the other day, and I had sort of assumed that she was somewhere in her early-to-mid 30s. Hopefully I didn't seem too surprised at the time!

2. We saw some of R's younger friends yesterday and they thought he was in his late 20s or 30s - he is actually 24.

How the hell are you supposed to figure out what age bracket someone is in as an adult? I've never been any good at it. I just seem to have a few fairly wide groups, and I'm clearly not accurate even with them!

I feel as though I complain about my health a lot on here, but frankly there's so much to complain about that I need an outlet somewhere.

I wish people would stop trying to treat me for insomnia (a problem I don't have) instead of DSPD (a problem that I do have). "Would you like a short course of zopiclone?" Why would I want to take an addictive drug for two weeks to treat a problem that's lasted for more than ten years, and that I know from experience won't be fixed by meds making me sleep at normal times for a while? Two weeks of zopiclone might possibly make me sleep at normal times for two weeks. I don't think it actually would, but there's always a chance. After that two weeks, assuming the zopiclone actually did anything, things would go straight back to how they were, as if I'd never taken it. I know this because it's what happened when the melatonin, which is the appropriate treatment for DSPD, was stopped.

Intrinsic circadian rhythm disorders are life-long conditions. Why would I want a two week course of addictive medication when there is a non-addictive option that is recommended by specialists for treating DSPD, that causes me no side-effects?

My feelings about the JKR stuff, really.

Will it affect the way I engage with the books? Probably, at least a little. But I don't intend to let her drag me away from a fandom I've loved for 15 years. Absolutely not.

Of all the problems knitting for long periods might cause, why is back pain at the top of the list? And why did I not start knitting this Christmas present before now? This is achievable but I think there's a high chance it will cause a flare up. Oh well.